Duck!

I'm sure most of us have that person we dated where we felt like we dodged a bullet by ending things before they got too out of hand. Beyonce’s new song “The Best Thing I Never Had” reminds of a real pain in the ass that I couldn’t be happier to have not ended up with.

I found immediate chemistry with this person. I basically wanted to inhale his farts. He was very funny in a dry way and this girl loves a guy that makes her laugh. However, we fought like cats and dogs, over things like who said they were going to call who back first, what time we were supposed to meet, and all sorts of logistical stuff like that. And basically, it came down to I didn’t trust that bitch as far as I could throw him.

So, one Monday morning I stopped by after we had fought all weekend. We stood in his kitchen making up and making plans to have dinner that night, when he looked out he window, panicked, and pulled me to the floor with him.

"What the fuck?!?" I yelled.
"My ex girlfriend just pulled up," he explained.

Just then, the door bell rang and he whispered to just be quiet. I said, in a normal tone, "does she have a gun? Are you worried she is going to kill us?" I'm really not in the habit of sitting, hiding on floors, and was wondering if I should be scared.

Once she went back to her car to just wait for him to come out, he told me he had seen her over the weekend for a “closure dinner”. I asked, "did you tell her you were dating someone new?"

"Yes, she saw your toothbrush in the bathroom."
"Oh great, I'm sure she scrubbed the toilet real quick with it. I'll be sure to chuck that one."

Her even being in the house at all was completely sassy considering the affection he had been expressing for me at that point in time.

After 15 minutes of playing stake out, it was getting time for me to get to work. He told me to get to my car as fast as a could. I thought he was overreacting a little, but I guess he knew that little spit fire better then I did. He opened the door and got about 5 ft out into the yard when she hurled herself onto him, swinging like a champ.

"Who the fuck is that?!" She was screaming and punching. Watching her completely crazed on the front lawn, I was guessing she hadn’t fully accepted the new person in his life.

Wow, this guy had a type; she was 5 ft nothing, like me; brunette with brown eyes, like me; long hair pulled back in a bun, like me. Key difference: I’ve never been a fan of domestic violence. I drove away thinking they were perfect for each other.

I sent him to voice mail the next 80-plus times he called. He left some real doozies. My neighbors and I would have a few beers and listen to his messages and laugh at what a complete dick head he was.