La Cucaracha

It was late at night and I was watching a movie in bed. I heard some rustling, seeming to come from my night stand. So I paused the movie, but the noise had stopped. It was only a few seconds later, in the glow of my laptop screen; I saw it crawling along the edge of MY BED.

To this day I don’t know how I got it off. I must have blacked out for a few seconds, they say your brain does that in particularly traumatic occasions. I know I didn’t fling it off with my bare hands, and I doubt I used one of my huge euro pillows to get it away from me.

Now I’m in the dark, kneeling over the edge of the bed looking into the heap of decorative pillows that are always on the side of my bed when I’m in it. I wasn't exactly sure what it was, but it most certainly needed to be disposed of. I get up and turn on the light. Slowly, I pick up each pillow and once I’ve cleared it, move it across the room. On the third one I lifted, I exposed one of the larger roaches I’ve had the displeasure of seeing here in sunny Florida. Need a visual? The length of a key. Crawling like a mad man on my beautifully embroidered throw pillow.

I quickly grabbed a book off the night stand and threw it on him. Tapped it a few times and hoped this living nightmare had ended. I lifted the book and out he came, full force, like he just drank a V8 under there! He walked right through my door, down the hall and into the guest room. If this thing goes under the bed, I’m going to have to call the police or get a hotel room tonight...something.

I threw the book on it again and ran to the kitchen to get some harsh chemical worthy of killing a roach, but not my carpet. I had just refilled a bottle with rubbing alcohol and water that I use when I’m doing chair massage. I lift the book and start squirting and chasing him. He seriously looked like he was in a marching band and showed no sign of slowing down at all.

I throw the book on the soaking wet roach yet again and just jump on it over and over. The book slips and slides below me. I’m in tears over the work that has gone into taking this creature out. I went back to the kitchen and got a few paper towels so I wouldn’t have to feel him in my grip and down the toilet he went.

Now... Imagine me naked as all of this is going on, because I was. Tragic. That "movie" I was watching was a pornographic one. Kind of takes the whole thing to the next level huh?