Run pretty girl! Run!

Sometimes you see an ex out with someone new and it rips your heart out. But most of the time, in my personal experience, it’s quite the opposite. I think “Oh my God, that poor girl. She seriously has no idea what she is in store for."

Luckily, I have never been in the position where I see a new girl out with an old asshole and, when he runs to the restroom, I rush over to warn her about his all sorts of crazy. That would make ME seem like the psycho. So, I'll pause in this moment to thank the universe for never throwing that at me thus far.

There was a recurring day dream I had for years. It was of me walking by one of the restaurants down the street here. And perhaps one of the douchiest of all douches I have ever dated is sitting out on the patio. I totally bitch slap him as I walk by, saying not a single word, for my palm has said it all. Again, thank you sweet universe for not providing me with the ability to bring that vision to fruition either.

I got to thinking last night about how many guys think this same thing about me. Who sees my pictures on Facebook and says "Jesus, that guy certainly has his hands full”? Or “How in the world is he putting up with her bull shit? Even though she did give amazing head, I couldn’t sit through one more dietary documentary. I wonder if she lets the yellow mellow at his house, too. Gross!”

Thankfully thoughts of what others may have thought about me in the past didn’t keep me up all night. I do, however, find myself wondering today, when the pretty girl I saw with" so and so"the other night will realize what a hot mess she has stepped into. Good luck honey!

Timmmmmmber

As a massage therapist, I usually avoid working a man’s thighs. It’s a super erogenous zone, point blank period. And, let’s be honest, if you are paying to have a massage therapist at your disposal for just an hour, wouldn’t you much rather get some serious work done on the neck, shoulders, low back, and maybe the hamstrings? However, when Im working on an athlete, it is really important to work out those quads and the hips.

This weekend I was working on a young guy, who was in fact an athlete. When I flipped him over and started on his right leg, I could clearly see his turkey neck of a yank laying on his left thigh. As I made my strokes from the knee to the hip on the right leg, I knew there were going to be complications once I got to the other side. Had this been your average, run of the mill white man, his schlong would have been hanging out in between his legs. But this very well endowed black stallion had nowhere to hide his junk. It was front and center, and glorious, I might add.

There was no way I was going to make it half as high up on the left leg with out running into his summer sausage, so I asked him: “could you please move your manhood to the other side for me?” I didn’t think saying anything about a penis was going to help anybody in the room. He apologetically moved it and placed it on the other leg and up, up, up it went. The biggest boner I have ever seen in my life - it was absolutely ginormous.

‘Whew, this quadriceps is really tight," I said, trying to diffuse what has got to be a horrifying moment for any guy that is not a complete douche.

Thankfully, despite its abundance in size, it went down just as quickly as any other has the past. In my experience, talking about metabolic waste in muscle tissue can usually get a stiffy down in 45 seconds flat. We both pretended like I hadn’t just seen the equivalent of a banana, upright under my sheet, and the massage ended as normal. But, I can not tell you how thankful I was the whole ride home that I do not have a dick.